Champagne and Razorblades
by Time Lady Zelie
Summary: A songfic of sorts. Being with Annie is rather a lot like combining champagne and razorblades: never cheap or safe.


_A/N: Not even sure I'll finish this, but if you're reading this, I guess I did. Anyways, getting sucked up into YouTube has spat me back out with this one-shot idea. A songfic for HCR's lesser known song Champagne and Razorblades, featuring our darling Annie and Auggie. Hope it doesn't totally suck._

**Champagne and Razorblades**

_Auggie_

Why, why on earth had he let himself get dragged into yet another of Annie Walker's crazy ideas? He usually could pride himself on being less, oh, I don't know, insane? But when it came down to that blonde rogue he called his best friend he tended to lose most of his ability to distinguish between a good idea and a really, really bad and doomed to fail idea. That is more or less how he found himself posing as her rich, aloof husband so that she might obtain some intel that may or may not be very important. And, based on their lack of check-ins with anyone at Langley, he could also assume that this mission may or may not have been off the books. All he really knew was that he really didn't want to know the answer to whether or not he was even supposed to be there, because the less he knew, the less they could blame him for. Not to say that he wouldn't take all the blame for his best buddy, partner in crime, the Bonnie to his Clyde. He'd do that in an instant. Because, though he had been trying to fight it for so long, pushing it away no matter how hard it clawed at his insides and threatened to rip him to shreds, he was kind of in love with her. But he'd never admit it. Not in a million years. He knew he wasn't her type.

A loud crashing sound came from the kitchenette of the hotel room they were sharing on this mission, jolting him out of his thoughts quite definitively. "Annie? You okay in there?" he asked, easing himself up from the bed to go investigate. He grabbed his cane from the bedside table, as he hadn't quite gotten the hang of walking around this hotel room yet.

"Yeah. I'm all right. I just forgot that I put my plate on the counter and knocked it off when I went to open the cabinet. Don't come too close, you'll cut your feet," she responded. After she cleaned up the remains of the plate, she walked over to where he stood. "You wanna go over the plan one more time?"

The plan for this doomed mission was fairly simple. They were going to go out to eat at a very fine and expensive establishment, suiting his new identity's plush back account. Once there, they would order, he was to be not very nice to Annie, who would then go seek out comfort elsewhere. Namely, in the arms of one Cameron Snyder, a rather odd character. He had a taste for pretty women, but tended to only go for those in visible distress, or those who were technically already taken. Preferably rich, or having rich husbands, in the latter scenario. He would then proceed to "help" these women dispose of their unpleasant spouse, often for a sizable chunk of their inheritance. But that was not what they wanted to get close to him for. No, what they wanted was in relation to his other method of making money. Because not only was Mr. Snyder something of a widow maker, he also had a propensity for knowing just a little too much about what was going on within the CIA. And for some reason, Annie was taking it upon herself to find out how. If he had inside connections, she was determined to find out who they were, and for that, she needed to get a little closer to his computer and phone. This is why she brought Auggie into this. He could get her stuff for getting files from a device without actually using the device. All she would need is a way to get within five feet from the device, which is why he was her rich "husband". They knew ahead of time that Snyder was going to be at this restaurant, and just had to hope that he'd take the bait. The hard part for Auggie was going to be his ill-treatment of Annie. God, he did not want to do this…

"Hello? Anyone home? Earth to Auggie, come in Auggie," she said, poking him in the side. "What? Oh, yeah, sorry. Just thinking about something. What did you say?" he asked, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Nothing important. Just asking if you think you're ready. If you are, I'm going to go get dressed. It takes a while to get rich-person ready," she said as she got up from her chair. "Yeah, I think I'm good. Just let me know when you're almost ready so that I can get dressed."

Nearly an hour and a half later, they sat at a table in what was quite possibly the ritziest place either of them had ever eaten in. He couldn't see her, but during the ride from their hotel to the restaurant he had felt the fabric of her dress (silk) and smelled her perfume (Shalini), and he could tell she had her hair up because he had accidentally put his hand on her shoulder in an effort to regain his balance getting out of their cab. He wished, however, that she had left the expensive perfume wherever it was she got it and had stuck with her traditional grapefruit scent, as this new smell was very disorienting for him. It made her seem almost like a stranger to him, and he couldn't quite feel comfortable with her smelling like that. On second thought, however, it might make it easier for him to be aloof towards her. She tried cuddling up to his shoulder, he moved away. She tried to stroke his leg with her foot under the table, he made a face and scooted back. Not because he didn't want her to do that, but because he had to, or risk jeopardizing their mission. He couldn't see if Snyder was there, but Annie assured him that he was. So he kept up the act, all the while thinking of all the little ways in which she had let him know she wasn't interested.

First off, when he became aware that he was interested in her as more than friends, he had asked around to find out what kind of guys she usually went for. Nothing like him. In many cases, those guys were exactly the opposite of him. Secondly, when he had tried to let her know that he was attracted, she brushed him off and seemed to find a new guy to go out with very quickly after. Thirdly, she had practically told him to go marry this other girl, even though he knew it couldn't possibly work out. No matter how many signs she gave him, he just couldn't get over her.

Back in the real world, she was making her advances more and more obvious. Trying to kiss him on the cheek, he had to practically duck to avoid the contact and almost fell out of his chair. With any luck, they would be done soon and he could storm off to go back to the hotel to scream his head off and wonder why the hell he was doing this to himself, again. Finally, after he pushed her out of his lap, she walked away to the bar, crying. At last, he was free from her torturous touches. He got out of his chair, extended his cane, and with the aid of a waiter, exited. He paid the bill on his way out and tipped the waiter what he hoped was enough, because he honestly didn't know. He hoped Annie would do all right as he climbed into yet another cab for the ride home.

_Annie_

Once she felt she and Auggie had put on a sufficient show, she got up from their table, forcing out some tears and doing quite an impressive fake cry. She stumbled up to the bar, next to Snyder's bodyguard and ordered a gin and tonic. She had not had her head buried in her arms on the bar for long before a tap came on her shoulder, and she looked up to see the bodyguard gone and one Cameron Snyder on the stool next to her. He was looking at her with a very mixed up expression on his face, of desire and sympathy. "Now, what seems to be the matter to cause such a beauty as yourself to cry?" he asked, sympathy eventually winning out between the two. She took a shuddering breath and nearly sobbed, "It's nothing new. Just my husband being an ass, as per his usual. You'd think having a lot of money could keep us both happy, but he just doesn't seem to love me as much as he loves his money. He doesn't want me to touch him anymore. I just don't know what I've done wrong." She gave him a watery smile, and continued, "But I bet you didn't really want to know all that, did you? I'm sorry I'm being such a crybaby. I should probably go…" She made as if she was going to stand up, but he put a hand on her arm.

"That's not a problem. He should be ashamed of himself, leaving such a pretty girl like you crying like this. And I assure you, I have no idea why he wouldn't want you to touch him…if I were him, I'd have a pretty hard time keeping my hands off you," Snyder said, as Annie sat back down on her stool. She gave him a somewhat shy grin, and he asked, "So, beautiful, what is your name?" She looked up from where she had been staring at his hands and answered, "Laura. And yours?" Standing up, he said, "Cameron. Well, Laura, if you'd like to come with me, we might can get your mind off your…disappointing husband. And maybe, while we do that, we also might figure out something to do about his behavior." She took his hand, and they left the restaurant.

Good. So far this is working, she thought to herself. But she couldn't help but think back on how it had hurt to have Auggie reject her, even when she knew that the whole thing was a set-up and she shouldn't feel that way. She also thought that she might have seen a little bit of pain in his expression when he had to push her away. She shook her head, reminding herself that he was definitely not her type and that they shouldn't be together in any way but as friends. It would be a disaster of epic proportions if they were to get together, she just knew. That was why she kept him at roughly arm's length, so she wouldn't be tempted and he would sort of leave her alone. As she and Snyder arrived at his apartment, she tuned back into reality so as to get out of his limo without falling flat on her face. Stilettos will do that to you if you're not careful.

Thinking back to the plan, she realized that all she really needed to do was locate his computer and his phone and wait for him to leave her alone for a minute or so so that she could obtain the intel she was there for. Then she could be gone and she and Auggie could get back home. However, she had not bargained on Snyder's handsiness or his impatience for getting her naked and into his bed. It was all she could do not to slap him, because his hands were going places she didn't care for him to ever see or feel. Once in his apartment, she could easily see his laptop on the coffee table, but couldn't see any way of getting to it without sleeping with him. And that was one line she simply wasn't going to cross. So, as soon as he turned his back, she grabbed the heaviest thing she could find and hit him in the back of the head. He was out cold instantly, and she got the data as soon as she was sure of that fact. He really did have a nice place, but she had no interest in spending time with a widow-maker. She got out as quickly as she could, calling a cab as soon as she was on the side walk. She could see him just exiting the building as her cab drove away, and could only hope that he wouldn't follow.

When she got back to the hotel room she and Auggie were sharing, she entered and threw herself onto the empty couch, announcing, "I'm baaack! Auggie? Hello?" No answer. She got up to investigate his whereabouts, finding nothing but a discarded tie and his shoes. No cane, no Auggie. Not even a note. Something about this was so, so wrong…

_Auggie_

He'd been back for about an hour when the sound of the door being unlocked and the doorknob turning had pulled him back from his thoughts. He had finally decided that he couldn't possibly keep his feelings from her anymore. He didn't care what happened after, he just knew that there was no way in hell that he was going to be able to keep up his charade for much longer. It was killing him slowly, not telling, and trying to push her away that night had proved to himself. Unfortunately, it was now looking like he would never get to tell her, because he was in for an unpleasant surprise when the person opening the door turned out to be a trio of thugs who had proceeded to tie him up and gag him. They waited a few minutes, then apparently it was time to drag him outside to their van, which was a less than pleasant experience for all involved, as Auggie kept fighting the whole way. He squirmed and threw all his weight against one thug, earning himself a punch in the gut for his trouble. All he could think the whole time was _God, I hope Annie's okay. Please let her be okay. Please._

He wasn't really sure how long he'd been in the back of that van before they finally stopped and rolled him out onto the pavement somewhere, but it had been a very bumpy ride. He'd felt every pothole, sharp turn, and nearly missed stoplight in his rolling stomach, caused by the punch from his earlier transport. It was almost a relief when his face hit the pavement, almost breaking his nose. They pulled him to his feet, and dragged him into what he could only assume was a warehouse, given the odd sound quality and echo. The three thugs then tied him to a pole of some sort and left, locking the door behind them. Odd. No interrogation? Auggie thought, trying to gather as many clues as possible about his surroundings. All the more time for me to come up with a plan.

_Annie_

They can't have gotten to him that fast. How did this happen? Where the hell is Auggie? were all questions running through Annie's mind. Shortly thereafter, the hotel phone began to ring. She leapt over to it and picked it up. "Hello?" she said. "Hello, Laura. Or whatever your name is. I really don't know anymore, do I? So, I suppose you've seen that your "husband" has vanished," Snyder stated calmly, with a hint of sarcasm. "Yes, I did notice that. I don't suppose you can tell me where he's gone?" she asked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. They _did_ get to him. "I could, but I am rather averse to doing favors for women who hit me in the head with a marble vase. Why did you do that? I thought things were going so well. I'm not sure what you've stolen from me, but rest assured, you'll not be getting your "husband" back unless I get back whatever it is you've stolen. And even then, he may not make it back alive. You've messed with the wrong man, Laura. So tell me. What did you take?"

Annie thought fast. She had, actually, stolen his phone, because she had been in too much of a rush. But could she really give it back to him without any promise of getting Auggie back? "I'll tell you what I took if you can promise me that he's alive," she responded. Snyder chuckled, "Trying to bargain with me, are we? Yes, he is alive for now. But he may not be for much longer." She sighed, and grudgingly told him, "I took your phone. You get it back if I get my husband back. Those are the only conditions I'll settle for." He laughed again and said, "We shall see. Tomorrow, meet me in the park outside your hotel. I'll tell you where your "husband" can be found and you give me the phone. I'll see you at noon." He hung up after that, leaving her no options for changing the time. She just hoped that she would get to see Auggie again. Alive.

_Auggie_

He was most rudely awakened by having a bucket of freezing cold water that smelled salty dumped on his body. Sputtering and shaking, he became aware of a different voice in the warehouse, one not belonging to any of the thugs. "Cut him loose," it said, with an almost detached tone. He could tell it was a man, and based on the fact that one of the thugs did as he said, this man must be the boss and responsible for his kidnapping. He had dozed off sometime during the night, but now had no idea how long he had been in this warehouse. All he could tell about his surroundings was that he was in a rather well insulated place, as he didn't freeze, though it was November. It was probably near some form of saltwater, given that which was dumped on him. And there didn't seem to be a whole lot of traffic in the area, or else he just couldn't hear it. Not enough to give him a clear clue as to where he was. Shaking his arms a little to get the blood flowing again, he turned his head towards the voice of the apparent leader. "Where am I? Who are you? What do you want?" he asked. "What I want is to have a little fun while we wait for the time to get back what your little "wife" stole from me. Where you are and who I am is rather irrelevant at this time. Let's see," said the leader, who sounded like he was walking in circles around Auggie now. Rather like a lion, circling its prey. Auggie did not like the sound of what this guy might call fun. He also didn't like the thought of what he might do to Annie, might have already done aside from kidnap him.

He was brought out of his thoughts by a kick to his ribs that he was distracted enough to not hear coming, which hurt quite a bit. He tried to roll away, but apparently the thugs were allowed to join in on this "fun", because no sooner had he escaped one tormentor when he found himself at the mercy of yet another. This one aimed more for his crotch, which really took Auggie's breath away. He wasn't given enough time to defend himself or try to fight back between attacks, and the ordeal must have gone on for twenty minutes before they finally got bored of that manner of abuse to move on to another. He found himself tied up again and alternately choked and attempted to drown him. Wherever he was, they had a sufficient amount of water to drown a man. This, and more beatings, went on for what seemed like hours before he was finally left alone once more, trying to recover from the abuse he had taken. He found that he was very hungry; having not had dinner the previous evening and his captors not bringing him food or water was taking a toll on his energy levels. Perhaps a nice, cozy nap against the cold metal pole would make everything better…

_Annie_

Waiting until noon the next day was so hard when all she wanted to do was go back to Snyder's apartment and make him take her to where he had Auggie, but she knew that it wouldn't be that easy to get so close to him again after she knocked him out with his own decorations. So wait she did, agonizing over what they were doing to Auggie, wondering if there was anything she could have done to keep him out of their hands, as she knew by now that Snyder couldn't have been working alone. This was more or less why she knew that she and Auggie could never work as a couple. She was dangerous and reckless, and people she cared about tended to end up in precarious situations. So far, nothing serious had happened to these people, but she'd always known that all streaks must come to an end. She shouldn't have gotten Auggie involved in this in the first place, but he was the only one who would go along with almost whatever she asked without asking too many questions. Not now that she realized that she might possibly care about him as more than just friends. Oh, screw that. She had fallen for her best friend and now he might die and it was all her fault. It was enough to make a girl pull her hair out.

She tried to shake those thoughts by switching over to thoughts of how she was going to get her best friend back. She knew that she would need to go to wherever Snyder told her Auggie was, but she honestly didn't know how much she could trust him. Would there be an ambush? Would he lead her to the wrong place just because he could? She hoped not, because this was not an actual mission and she had no backup. She was just trying to get back in Joan's good books after majorly screwing up a little bit ago on a minor op. If she screwed this up, she might as well not go back home, because not only would she have lost one of the agency's best tech ops guys, she would have ultimately failed her best friend. That was just not an option. She had to bring him back, alive and kicking her ass for letting stuff get so screwy. She would just have to follow Snyder's directions and play along until he gave her what she needed.

Noon finally rolled around, and she was down on a bench waiting. She almost missed him, because he tried to just grab the phone and go. Grabbing his hand, she said, "Where's my husband? Remember the deal." Snyder chuckled that irritating chuckle of his and answered, "A deal is a deal. I'm in a bit of a rush, as I have things to do, but I'll give you this much. You've passed it before when driving past the shore; sounds like a closet but doesn't actually contain things you wear. You seem like a smart girl, you'll figure it out. Or not. I really don't care." He was gone. What the hell was that supposed to mean? She sat still for a moment puzzling over his stupid hints, before the little light bulb went off over her head. She knew exactly where Auggie was. Well, not exactly, but close enough. Close enough.

_Auggie_

Auggie was feeling truly uncomfortable tied to that post, but he really couldn't have done much more than sit there anyways. No food or water in roughly twenty-four hours combined with a few hours physical abuse really takes a lot out of a guy, even a former Special Forces soldier. He hadn't heard any more noises since the thugs left him hours ago, and was sitting quietly, waiting for any sound. He had managed to work one hand loose, so that he stood a chance against attackers this time. He would be prepared for when they came back for more "fun". He heard what sounded like someone trying to open the doors to the warehouse, but whoever it was wasn't having a very good go of it. Must not have a key. Who could possibly be here without a key? Annie? No, probably not…probably just one of those thugs lost his key and is trying to force the lock. He tensed up when, at last, the door banged open and light footsteps echoed through the building. That sure as hell wasn't a thug. "Annie?" he called out with a raspy voice. The footsteps sped up from a walk to a run. "Auggie! Where are you?" She had found him, thank God. And not a moment too soon, he thought. "Right here, Annie Angel. Right here."

He tried not to sound too pitiful, but it didn't really matter because he looked thoroughly battered. He could hear her shocked intake of breath as she finally rounded the corner and saw him, bruised and bleeding a bit, tied to a pole in the middle of a warehouse. No shoes or socks on his feet, as the first had been left at the hotel and the other had been lost somewhere along the journey. She bent down to untie him and try to assess the damages done to him. He tried not to wince as she poked him in the ribs, which he figured were probably bruised. "Let's get you out of here, Augs," she said, trying extremely hard not to break down crying. He didn't look that bad, did he?

_Annie_

Why did this keep happening to people she loved? When she finally broke into the right warehouse, she found her Auggie tied up and looking like he'd been through hell and more. It was all she could do not to break down crying right then and there, but she knew that he needed her to hold it together long enough to get him safe and his injuries taken care of. She got him loaded up into yet another cab and to the hospital before she had to go to the women's restroom to have a good, hard, real cry. She felt pretty confident that the nurses would get him all taken care of, but she didn't know how he'd ever forgive her for getting him into such a disaster. He had been brutally attacked and she'd gotten through without even a paper cut. Even if he forgave her, she wasn't too sure she'd be able to forgive herself for a transgression as monumental as this one.

Once she had calmed down and splashed some water on her face, she felt brave enough to go visit his room and see how bad it was and how soon he could leave, but most importantly, if he could forgive her. Seeing him laid up in a hospital bed brought back the tears, and he already knew she was in the room, so she couldn't very well leave him. "Auggie…I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have dragged you into this in the first place, it wasn't even sanctioned and I didn't let you know ahead of time what you were getting yourself into. I'm a rotten excuse for a friend and I'd understand if you never spoke to me again," she blurted out as fast as possible. He just cocked his head to the side a little and said, "I can't accept that apology."

WHAT? Her thoughts were reeling. He cleared his throat before continuing, "I can't accept it, because I don't see anything to apologize for. I'm alive, no lasting damage, and I think I should be thanking you for finding me when you did. I could have died if you hadn't found me soon enough. Besides, I should know by now that whatever adventures I get into with you could end up going sideways, backwards, and upside down. If I don't, then it's my own fault if I get hurt. I also kind of figured that it wasn't sanctioned because we never checked in with anyone from Langley. I'm proud that you handled the whole thing so well without backup, saving me from my untimely demise." He held his arms out for a hug, and she gave him one rather gingerly, not wanting to hurt his ribs. Thank God for friends.

_Auggie_

It's now or never. The time to tell her how he really feels about her. He coughs again, and releases her from the hug. "Um, Annie? There's something I wanted to talk to you about. Before I got kidnapped and all, I realized something." He couldn't see her, but he had a feeling that he was being stared at quite intently. "Yes?" He continued, "I really care for you. As more than just your best friend. I want to be more to you, because you mean so much more to me than that. I know full well that you think I'm not your type, but please, can't we just give this a try? I know that it can't just be me feeling this, it's so strong. That night at the restaurant, I decided that I couldn't possibly keep it to myself one more day. And I know I'm rambling, so please say something to stop me." Silence. Pure silence. He held his breath, waiting for a response. Anything, really, is better than that silence.

_Annie_

He felt it too. He did. Was she imagining this? Was she hearing him right? Oh, God, she's been quiet for too long now. He had this dejected look on his face and was beginning to turn away from her. "Auggie. I feel the same way about you, but before you get too happy, keep listening to me. This is what happens to you when you're just my friend who was unfortunate enough to get himself into one of my messes. Just imagine what could happen to you if you were more than that. What if someone decides to blow up my house and you're living with me? You'd go down in the accident meant for me! I can't let that happen to you. I love you too much to let that happen," she pleaded. He snorted at that. "Annie, if I love you enough that we're living together, then I think I can handle getting blown up for your sake. And I already know that I do. Besides, you're not the only one who is a bit dangerous to be around. I get into just as many crazy situations as you do, and I've been getting out of them for a long time. I know exactly what I'm getting into when I say that I want to be with you. And now that I know how you feel, I'm afraid you won't be able to get rid of me." She smacked her palm to her forehead. She should have known she was beat before she even really started. "All right, all right. I give up. So what now?" she asked, sounding rather exasperated. A huge grin spread across his face, but before he could get a word out she admonished, "No, Auggie. Not that. At least, not yet. I do at least want a real date before we engage in any activity in bed." He sighed and said, "Why do you kill so many of my brilliant ideas before I even get to say them? Well…I guess we wait for them to discharge me so that we can hop on a plane back to Langley and get the intel to Joan. Then I'll take you out on a real date. You did get the intel, didn't you?" She made a small noise of disbelief. "Of course I got it! I didn't almost let my best friend die and not get the intel! You don't know me at all, do you?" He grinned a little sheepishly, mumbling, "Well, I had a feeling that was why I was kidnapped, but I couldn't be sure because those thugs were at the hotel even before you were." She rolled her eyes, even though she knew he couldn't see it. She was really looking forward to that date…

_Auggie_

Nearly the whole car ride back from the airport he had the headphones to his laptop on, trying to find the perfect song to describe his and Annie's relationship. So far, it wasn't going too well, because it was so hard to put into words in the first place, and he was one of the ones experiencing it. Forget finding a complete stranger to find the words. Just when he was about to give up, he came across something that just might be the right song…

_You're so magnetizing that_

_I can't seem to hide _

_From the way you pull me in_

Huh. That sounds about right. Keep listening.

_Champagne and razorblades_

_It's never cheap or safe_

_Poison and lemonade_

_It's bittersweet to taste_

For this mission, at least, it was definitely neither cheap nor safe. His bank account was going to be feeling that bill from the restaurant for quite a while. And don't even get started on safety…

_It keeps me coming for more, more_

_For more, for more_

_Like diamonds and criminals_

_Not right but beautiful_

_Perfect and cynical_

_Highly unusual_

Yep. That was pretty much them on the dot. Or Annie, at least. But now he had his girl, and she definitely seemed okay with that. They'd just have to work a little on the whole safety issue. But for now, it was nap time. He closed down his computer, planning to listen to the rest of the song later. If he wasn't too busy taking his Annie Angel out on the date she wanted, that is.

_A/N: So I guess I did finish this after all. Again, I know it's probably not the best ever done, but I've never done anything resembling a songfic before and so it might have come out a little weird. And also, I have no idea why it is that I am incapable of working on a multi-chapter work, but I'm still working on the one I have open right now. This one was just begging to be written, for some reason. Hope you enjoyed, reviews are appreciated._


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